Thursday, September 19, 2013

Dispelling Misinformations


Hello. My name is Poppy and I will be your guest columnist today.  It is imperative that you read this post so that all misinformations, innuendos, blasphemies, and rumors stop immediately.

Cats are not instruments of Satan.  Do you really think we cats care what old Sulfur Breath has to say?  We aren't minions of the devil.  We aren't minions of anyone.  We bow to no man or beast, unless of course we feel like mocking you and then we might entertain the idea.  We aren't demons in little fur coats.  We don't want your soul, your blood, or your still-beating heart.  We do deeply covet your thumbs, however.

We do not make elaborate 7-course gourmet meals while you are at work and dine lavishly.  We rely on you for the stinky goodness from a can, bullshit dry cereal, and lovely lovely crunchies we subsist on. We are not heathens though and expect our dinners to be beautifully plated and served with a garnish by our waitstaff.  Since you fail to do this so often we are forced to turn up our noses at your offerings.
We are not making a nuclear device or any other weapon of mess destruction under the couch.  Those bits of ribbons, copper, fuzzy balls, metal piping, furry mice with missing tails, snippets of multicolored wire, milk jug rings, plutonium, crinkly plastic, and alarm clock parts are random things we found in your house and stashed under there.  Hey, maybe Homeland Security should be checking you out.

We're not evil.  I don't know how this slander starts and purr-petuates.  Just because we'll eat your face off after you die unattended in your house doesn't make us bad.  We do that out of love and respect.  Okay, no wait!  We do that for comedy.

The Fine Print: I have no idea where mom gets all these whackjob thoughts from.  We just cute little kitties who purr and make your lives complete...  ly miserable.  But you know, we can't all be perfect.  Cards 'n parts by Club Scrap the Spring Chorus kit.



6 comments:

Lunch Lady Jan said...

We iz in agreements with you....we iz not devil cats even though we haz 666 tattooed under our furz.....

Harry and Ron
(LLJ thinks she owns us but she iz our minion...mwahahahaha.....

House of Bears said...

As pawed creatures too, we are in agreement with you, the humans really need to up their game, especially when it comes to food offerings.

Di said...

Ha, ha - just try telling that to the felines who poop in our garden (yard) in a bid to make us get a puddy tat in self defence :)

Hugs, Di xx

Squirrel x said...

Hi Poppy. Please don't tell your mom I think I peed a little laughing too hard.....

RosA said...

Nice to see you back in charge Poppy :) :)
Keep up the good work :)!

butterfly said...

Beautiful card... and a post we can all sympathise with, paws or no - all of us have humans that let us down with poor presentation! Though I think the bears have got a bit of a cheek - given they keep their human imprisoned under a bed...
Alison x