Saturday, November 10, 2012

If It Pleases Your Honor

I used to read a lot of true crime books, which more often than not include the trial proceedings.  You learn the caliber of lawyer by reading about the trials.  The best ones make sure their clients aren't railroaded and make sure all the technicalities are by the book.  They try to put some doubt in the jurors' minds but not to the point of utter ridiculousness.  However, those types of lawyers make an appearance quite often too.  The favorite tactic is to try to discredit each and every witness and an oft used method goes like so:

Defense Lawyer: Ms. Witness, what was your reaction when you found your husband's nude and dismembered body hog tied on the kitchen island and drained of blood?

Ms. Witness: I was in shock.

Lawyer.  I see.  Ms. Witness, are you perhaps a doctor, a nurse, or an emergency medical technician?

Witness: What?

Lawyer: Just answer the question.

Witness: Um.  No.  I'm a housewife?

Lawyer: So you tell us that you are not a medical professional yet you've just diagnosed yourself as being in a medical state of being.  You do realized that "shock" involves the circulatory system and is characterized by pallor, sweating, weak pulse, and very low blood pressure and can only be offiically diagnosed by a trained medical professional, yet you want us to believe that you, a lowly housewife, can just magically call upon some unbeknownst medical knowledge and say that you were in shock?!  If you are willing to lie to us about your state of being, we can't believe anything you say!!!!

Booya! Stick it to ya!

Bring it on home!

Neener Neener!

Those lawyers really need to glad they don't have me on their witness stand.  Because I'd be all:

Judy: Booya yourself, Bugaboo! Since I am a layman I was obviously using the layman's definition of shock.  Someone bring me a dictionary, better yet, whip open your smart phones and go to  and someone read me all the definitions of "shock." 

Double Booya!



Oh, and while we're at it, could someone get the defense lawyer a piece of dental floss?  That's shit's gross.

The Fine Print: I realize this has nothing to do with anything, but you read it, didn't you?  Turkey by Hooks. Lines and Inkers.

1 comment:

Julia Dunnit said...

I'm pretty sure you were going to go down the line of innocent turkeys..but got sidetracked being the smart arse witness.....